The Pathway to Peace: Learning to Forgive

by Fr. Jason Laguerta Our readings today speak about a very sensitive matter in our lives, especially within our families. They talk about the need to forgive, not to hold grudges, not to hold tightly to anger, wrath, or hatred, but to learn how to forgive.  In the Gospel, the Lord reminds us to forgive “not just seven times, but seventy-seven times.”  In other words, we must never grow tired of forgiving people who have hurt us or wronged us.  We must also learn to forgive ourselves when we fail to be compassionate, patient, or kind.

Forgiveness, though, is one of the most difficult things the Lord asks of us.  It is easy to love those who love us and easy to be kind to those who are kind to us.  But when someone hurts us, disappoints us, betrays us, or treats us unfairly, our natural tendency is to hold on to the pain.  We replay the event in our minds, remember the hurt, and sometimes allow it to define our lives.  Yet, the Lord continues to invite us to another way, the way of forgiveness.

If I may share a recent experience, I was invited to a Book Fair last Friday.  When I arrived at the parking lot, it was very difficult to find a parking space.  After waiting patiently and queueing for a slot, someone suddenly took the parking space I had been waiting for.  I must admit that I entertained many uncharitable thoughts and I found myself getting upset and frustrated because I felt wronged, and for a few moments, anger took over.

Yet with patience, I continued searching.  I circled the area several times until eventually I found another parking space and to my surprise, it was much closer to the entrance and much nearer to the SMX.  At that moment, I realized that perhaps God had not denied me a parking spot after all; He was simply saving a better one for me.  I found myself apologizing to the Lord, realizing that while I was angry and frustrated, He already had something better prepared for me.

I then entered the fair and attended the launching of Bishop Milo’s book.  I was having a wonderful time and had good conversations with Bishop Milo and several priests, and my heart was filled with joy and peace.  But then, I suddenly saw the man who had taken the parking slot I had been waiting for, and just when I thought the matter of the parking space was already behind me and had already let it go, my anger returned.  That person who did me wrong somehow took away the good vibes I was having.  The joy and peace I had while attending the book launch seemed to quickly disappear.  When I saw him again, the peace in my heart and mind felt robbed once more.

That experience taught me something important – that there are times when it is really very difficult to forgive, especially the people have treated us unfairly, damaged our reputation, spoken ill of us, or caused us too much pain.  Yet, the people we refuse to forgive continue to steal from us because they steal the peace in our hearts and the calm in our minds.  In fact, the more we hold on to resentment and anger, the more power we give them over our lives.  Because when we allow anger and bitterness to dominate us, we permit those who hurt us to keep taking something valuable from us.  We lose our joy.  We lose our peace.  We lose our freedom.

That is why forgiveness is not only for the sake of the offender, but it is also for our own peace and healing.  If we are not able to forgive, if we are not able to let go of the hurt and the negative events in our lives, we will remain trapped by them.  If we cannot overcome them, if we cannot set ourselves free from their domination and clutches, we will continue to be troubled and miserable.  That is why the Lord provides us with a practical way to deal with the struggles and stresses of life.  There is one pathway to peace: forgiveness, and that we should never allow disappointment and frustration to take away the joy God wants us to experience.

However, forgiveness does not mean forgetting what happened.  Forgiveness does not mean pretending that the offense never took place.  It does not mean abandoning justice, fairness, or what is right.  Neither does forgiveness give a license to the offender to continue doing wrong.  Forgiveness is not weakness.  Rather, forgiveness is the decision to set yourself free from the anger and hatred that remain inside because of painful experiences.

In simple terms, forgiveness means refusing to allow the offender to hurt you again and again.  It means refusing to allow negativity to remain in your heart, mind, and life unnecessarily.  The pain may remain for a while; the memory may even stay because the experience was intense or traumatic, but it should not stay forever.  It should not occupy your entire life.

Therefore, forgiveness is the decision to say, “You hurt me once, but I will not allow you to hurt me again. You wronged me once or twice, but I will not allow that wrong to control my life over and over again.”  Forgiveness is giving yourself the space to be free.  It is giving yourself room to breathe, to heal, and to be at peace.  And if I were to describe forgiveness visually, it is like creating a safe space in your heart.  It is building a sanctuary within yourself and saying, “This is sacred ground. You are not allowed entry here. You are not allowed to continue hurting me.”

This brings us back to the First Reading from the Book of Sirach that contains a beautiful message, especially for those who struggle to forgive.  Sirach tells us that anger and wrath are hateful things.  They are dangerous things to hold on to.  But if they are hateful things, why do we keep them?  Why do we cling to them so tightly?  Why do we carry them wherever we go?  They do not belong in our lives, and yet we continue to embrace them.  Then, Sirach asks a powerful question: How can the Lord heal you if you are unwilling to release that anger from your heart?  How can God bring healing if you refuse to let go of the bitterness, resentment, and raging emotions that occupy your heart and soul?

Today the Lord invites us to create a sacred space within ourselves, a place where those who have offended us, hurt us, or done many wrongs against us are no longer allowed to stay and keep hurting us.  That is forgiveness.  It is saying, “You may have wounded me, but you no longer have permission to live in my heart and cause me pain again and again.”

Forgiveness is not hating the person, nor is it pretending that nothing happened.  It is simply refusing to allow that person to continue hurting you.  Forgiveness is primarily a gift to yourself, as it is one of the greatest acts of self-love and self-respect that you can practice.  Reconciliation, however, is something different.  For reconciliation is the process of repairing a damaged relationship that requires rebuilding trust, accountability, and mutual effort.  Reconciliation is another matter, altogether, but forgiveness comes first, as forgiveness is essential if we truly want to find peace in our lives.

If we desire peace, let us not allow anger to remain in our heart forever.  Give it a deadline and tell yourself, “I may be angry for a few days, perhaps for a week, but after that, I must begin to let it go.”  This is how we train ourselves to forgive, for there is no other path to healing except the path of forgiveness.  Set yourself free.  Learn to forgive, not just once, not just seven times, but seventy-seven times.  Again and again, we learn to forgive and only then can we find the healing, freedom, and peace that the Lord desires for each one of us.

Through forgiveness, we free not only others from our judgment, but most importantly, we free ourselves.

Transcribed by Agnes Riel